Moving, keep on moving

Though i would update this blog :)

I reached the middle of my internship expereince. Sometimes i still cannot believe i reached this stage of AIESEC XP, it seemed so long i was just thinking about it, and finally here i am, working in the office, receiving salary, renting an appartment, attending interns drinks... 6 months in Belgium seems to pass so fast, i dont even know why - either too busy as work or its just seems normal being here, not that intense as when i was in Hong Kong, so it feels like asking "what have i been doing here for whole 6 months if it feels like mush less?"

For 6 months I've been living in so called "MC flat", which as in Hong Kong - doesnt really mean what it says - there were 2 MC internationals and lots of interns and not even interns. 6 months in turkish neighbourhood (double cultural experience!), in my small "butterfly" room, with people who became my good friends by now ~ so much chinese food eaten, so much beers been drunk, so many meaningful and not meaningful conversations, so many kms walked together after midnight :)

Now after some flat-hunting online, last week I moved in with Stephanie and Yat Wan. We were very lucky, we got an awesome 2-floors flat in the center, with a cool landlord, furnished, good price. And a washing machine!!! and I finally got my space :) and a big bed!! and all the nice things :) of course it has its disadvantages, but so far i am very happy!

Then after 6 months of Brussels burocracy, I finally received my Residence Card!!! 6 months of chasing commune and police officials, calls into nowhere, nerves and stresss, and finally i got it!! i am HAPPY! without RC, i was not able to leave the country, nor to come back to the country, so i got it right on time - when i planned my business trips and vacations on July-August period! Today I am going to Rotterdam for Global Coordinators meeting, then visiting Oxana in her far-away Groningen, in a week i go HOME!!! visit Moscow to party on my brother's wedding, then going to Vienna for 4 days and after another week in Brussels, i am off to Brazil for IC+vacation :) I cannot believe i will fly again, smell the air of travel, airports, train stations and duty free window shopping, coffees in never-gonna-be-here-again cafes, and white wine in the planes... very excited : )

So I'll see you soon somewhere! Or come and visit me in Brussels :) or at least postcards are welcome.
New address:
Rue Emile Jacqman 120
Brussels 1000
Belgium

Was thinking today about..

Me and my work

I want to be in charge of what I do, feel freedom of making things right, correcting what I goes wrong and having results that matter. I want to have a sense of creation and impact.

My life

Traveling and living in different places, exploring the world from within, listening to people's stories, feeling the world not just seeing it. Doing it all now, not after I retire. When I retire I want to have all these mind-blowing memories while living in a country house and writing a book :)

My commitments

(As always. But seriously)

*Commiting being environently friendly. As I can. Even small contributin matters. And even if I don’t feel it'll be better if only I do it right, I have a feeling I am making it worse when I don’t do it right.

*Commitment of taking care of my health. Being afraid of health influencing my life, I better take care of my life to take care of my health. Drinking more water, less shit. Eating more vegetarian food, less meat and fat and wh-knows-what. I don’t eat what I don’t enjoy.

*Commitment of making people happy. Making effort in making people a bit happier than they are. Because I can.

on a day like this

I just love being wrong. I love when my assumptions are just assumptions. Proves me again and again that I should ask, that I am not perfect and I can learn, that I should believe, that I can be surprised. And I love when I am disappointed, because it makes me think and act. And I love when I am pleasantly surprised, because it inspires me and gives me hope. I love when things are not the way I expect them to be, because the going is not easy. Because if the going is easy, the road may be going downhill…and now it is definetely not.

Love my living :)

Heading for the future

Never thought I would be there, never imagined myself to go to Heading for the future conference. Just that when I joined @ there was no such thing as H4TF, while now we have a chance of an official closure. But wait, that is not why I went there. Actually I think I started letting go when I came back from HK and in those 5 months of matching and intense communication with friends, family and @alums. And now after 2/3 a year of reflections and trying to figure out what is my "letting go" of AIESEC means, here is what I came up with:

• Everybody lets go in its own way, no need to compare & no need to strive for some level, just stick to your own believes and desires. There are things you want to keep, there are things you want to let go, things you want to be involved in…and its your own way of becoming an @alum
  

• There's no BIG shift from "in AIESEC" and "out of AIESEC", it’s one of many transitions and decisions we did/do in life, it's a new step, just like the one I took when applying to MC, or going to HK, or going to Belgium, - it’s a new challenge, new opportunities, new chapter in life, so no need to make it so special and dramatic - we've done it before.
  

• Leaving aiesec as an active members is not letting go all the things we love (constant learning, fun, meaningful conversations, diversity, challeng, meaningful job, openminded people etc.), is looking for new sources of finding these things! I don’t get this crying over things we leave - be proactive, if its something you truly value in your life - you can find the right environment or even create it yourself for you and for other people to share. THAT is the test of your proactiveness.

This way I learn to appreciate what I had in AIESEC, respect it, love it and help in any way I want, but to be excited to move on to new heights and new opportunities that are out there! So I am a happy and exciting alum :)

But back to the conference. So made decision on Friday morning, on Saturday morning, woke up at 5.30 am and went to Ghent to my first conference in belgium as a delegate, a first after long time actually as a delegate.

It wasn’t a usual conference - no rollcalls and no dances, just two days…but a lot of talking, and a lot of reflections. I wouldn’t have come if not Katya and Marta going there, so I knew I'll be living this experience with someone I can relate to, which turned out to be true, as we were the oldest delegates in terms of @XP, leaving AIESEC after MC/MCP positions and still finishing the full circle of @XP by being on internship. Which is sometimesjust too much to handle when you try to "wrap it up". Anyway, hav to thanks Marta for pushing us to talk about different questions. So here are some reflections & AHA-moments from discussions and sessions (random order):

Entrepreneurship

Am I entrepreneurial? And what it means for me?

Random thought on that:

- I am not doing new stuff (something never done before or not done here) just for the sake of doing new stuff. It is not my drive.
- I am not doing something just because it brings money (new niche in the market) - not taking opportunities that are obvious if they are not in the area of my passion.
- I would better help those already in market rather than create unneccessary competition (unless there's a need and demand).

I know for sure to work on my own projects I need partner(s). But how do I find partners for the projects in the area of my passion? How do I find same passionate people who would like to start putting ideas on the flip-chart with me and see where we move from there?

Where our career decision pressure comes from?

Even if you're strong enough to ignore peer pressure (you were in AIESEC so u already did it), after AIESEC added to social peer/family pressure you also get AIESEC network pressure - alumnus standard and expectations according to your last @ role. Have to be strong enough to put that aside as well.

Internal Politics: stay aside or be part of it?

Politics inside the company/organization is a neutral phenomenon unless we try to see it as negative. You shouldn’t fight it, just learn how to "surf the waves of politics" because politics is everywhere.

Network and networking

Need to work on my networking skills. And as it is all about attitude, I need to work on my attitude.

Network Question still open: if at some point I want to come back to my country to start making impact/change there - I'll need network, how do I not lose it during years of getting international experience?

The only logical answer found: keep in your network few people who stay at home country, who keep renewing their network - they can be your connecting point when you come back.

Managing your working experience

Instead of constantly complaining that your after-aiesec job is not that perfect, management doesn’t know how to manage and there are not so many learning opportunities, be proactive! -> you can manage your manager: provide information about how to manage you better, what is the best way you work, suggest changes into working style or adjust yourself, initiate regular feedback meeting (first maybe only to receive feedback, but maybe later to give as well), adjust the way you learn as well, see the exsting opportunities and ask to use them an learn form those. There's always somehing you can do.

Source of fulfillment

AIESEC is a unique place, it provides us with so many things at once -> personal & spiritual development, professional development, gives us network of contacts, friends and often love life. No other job will probably provide you with all those in one! But that is no reason to be upset, it doesn’t mean other things can not be in your life anymore. You just need to search for more sources to get everything, and manage all these sources in your life. Isnt it exciting? You get to experince so much more in life now!

Fears

Once we have to make this change happen in our lives - we have a lot of fears about it. Moreover even when we make it, we still have fears left. And you need to recognize them to move on. I started doing it, but i guess its not something I want to share. But its actually fun to see what stops you from moving ahead.

Passionate life

One of the break through sessions was the one of Houston Spencer from Alcatel, who challenged me personally a lot during that session. And one of the points I loved is a challenge of living a passionate life once we claim to be passionate people. The one we dream of, the one we want, the one we dare to want, the one that sets goals ahead of us that scare us a bit but don’t make us afraid.

And if you see people who are not living a passionate life - they just stopped making choices.

On Future Plans

Instead of being scared of making the wrong choice - its better to have any close-to-what-you-want plan, follow it and then change it rather than not moving anywhere. As we always make choices based on what we want now and what opportunities we have now, so its not wise to sit and wait for those to appear, instead use the ones you have to create more opportunities.

More future plans

One thing I didn’t consider before appeared in my plans: Travel around the world. And if possible with purpose :) this still has to be defined.

Its not a step you once make. It doesn’t cut your life in two parts. It is a process, when you find out a lot about what you learnt and experienced and what you want to learn and expereince next.

Soo… in no way I am saying good bye to AIESEC (we're still there for each other :)) - I am just moving forward to new exciting things.

actually this post makes a lot of sense after this one :)

Who are we not to be?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, georgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are the child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson.

Sometimes questions others challenge you with echo in your head until you find an answer. No matter how confident you are, you still find it important to provide good argument as an answer to a challenge. Sometimes for others sometimes to yourself.

I have a lot of things in the way I live my life that are based on gut feelings. I often cant explain why I think things are right, I just feel they are. All these contrudictory questions.. Should I be honest or care about not hurting others' feelings? Should I be investing in the future or enjoyin the present?
Should I make an effort or let things happen/come/go?

People keep challenging me and I keep looking for answers.. Is it even important to waste time looking for an answer (maybe only to explain to other why) or maybe trust yourself and go on living the life that I choose to live? I would choose second. But somehow in the moment of doubt it's important to know WHY. And the moments of doubt happen. As well as not being able to think clear under pressure of things. So as for any of the questions above - there's gotta be a balance :) I guess.

Anyway. Lately I've been facing another challenge in my head. Some people 've been challenging my way of turning things positive or looking at the brighter side. They called it faking, not following your inner emotions, covering them, pretending, not letting emotions out. You probably at least one time in your life thought about someone - "Oh, come on, you cant be all that bright and shiny. No tell me what you really think!". I used to think so myself, until now I actually belive people can be sincere about all these. Sometimes in the morning, I wake up and just when the thought of "it's 7 am, why do I have to work?! Oh I wish I had an extra hour to sleep.what a bad beginning of the bad day." comes into my sleepy head, I think of the way this day will be beautiful and energetic and I am going to do a lot of great stuffs :) Not because I pretend it, but because I know that negative emotions come as response to things, which not necessarily have to bring negative emotions, but based on traditions/opinions/previous expereinces we think it has to. It’s the culture created for us, or the one we created earlier in our lives. But its up to me to create my own culture now, where mornings mean the beginning of soemthing great, not the end of sleeping happiness.

What made you upset yestoday? Did it really had to make you feel that way?

Have an awesome day today people :)

Reading

It’s a weird way to start bloggin again after a biiig break, but here I am and I will start with changes in my life :)

I started reading. I always liked readin but never was really consistant in reading. Occasional book that I was overwealmed by and then nothing for months. Last year I remmeber I put it again in my NY resolutions, but didn’t do anything about it. And finally when I moved to Brussels, and found Waterstones not too far from home, where I am now a regular guest. I always wanted to read books I wanted - in English, not overpriced in foreign literature section in Kiev and not in 10 years when finally there's russian translation, but actually NOW, when I still want to read it - in the language it was written in.

In 3 months I already bought lots of books…

Now in my bag -> "Authentic happiness" by Martin Seligman

Maybe later I post other books I am reading, and if you have suggestions of good books - feel free to leave a comment - will save me time in the store wondering around the book shelves.

I have my own ritual of buying books: there's gotta be a book on the topic I am interested in, a challenging book on something I am not familiar with (requires thinking), something mind-challenging, something easy (smething funny-easy and sad-easy)… And I read 2-3 at the same time depending on my mood.

I read in the bus, at home, in the park, on the train…

And somehow reading makes me so happy. And this is one addiction I am not afraid of.

Everything runs in cycles. There's my self and there's what I do. And it has to be balanced, n harmony. Somehow I keep finding one without another. I found myself so many times.Every time happy, because ther's so much more I can discover about myself and my capabilities. I found my direction so many times, questioned it and lost it, found again, enjoyd, lost it. Everytime it was something I enjoyed and was ready to devote 150% to and as I exhaust the path, I look for a new one.

This year's been very important for me, - I found my self, the way I've never known myself. I discovered the authentic me, inner freedom, easiness of being, enjoying, being present in my life. I know what I lack there but I know what I can be. And this discovery was the breath of fresh air in my life. Vital.

But I lost direction again. And I am fine with it, because I know its ok. And I know that being and knowing who I am will help me to find the path. So I am looking forward to seeing it. I want to calm down and see it clearly. Because I am ready to find it. As I said, I know I can do anything, I just wish I knew what.

And I am Happy. Because I know I'll find it :)

Belief

Sometimes its incredible how I've grown in these couple of years.
There's this internal belief that I can do anything. Anything. If I want it, with a little or a big effort, but it's possible. And everytime i think I cannot do something, or I am scared, or nobody else around me could, I kick out these thoughts. Everything is in my mind. and if i make it possible there, it'll be possible.

So I want this to work. There are many reasons why it cannot or shouldnt work. Many examples how it can break. Many ways to see the end is near. Many ways to predict which way it'll end. But I want this to work.
And i dont want to talk about, question it and I dont want to think about it. I dont want to be sad and discuss how sad i am. I just know it's worth being happy knowing i have it. So I want to be happy.