That's where I am

"If you know what's right you don’t have t make decisions. When you know what's right, it's just here for you and you do it."

I want so much to be in the moment when I don’t make decision. Understanding clearly your purpose and just doing what is right for you. Having a clear intention to follow. Seeing things from a deeper perspective, from a perspective of a whole.

I call that "trust myself". ...About a year ago is that I first realized that I don’t fully trust myself. "I am indecisive" I thought. And decided to train my trust. On the way to trusting myself was that I realized I don’t know myself enough to trust. (wow. If I would talk about another person, I'd say that "I don’t know u enough to trust". But then - it's ME, so there's no reason to trust. If I know that I KNOW. Why wouldn’t I trust?) Knowing myself meant knowing what is right to do for me. And among many reasons 'why should things be right for me to do?' was 'RIGHT means I am the person to do it' - means I have what it takes and I really want to do it. Means I know THE purpose.

And my indecisiveness shows that I don’t know yet. Sometimes I easily 'know', sometimes I really doubt. I don’t doubt myself. I doubt which one is that RIGHT thing for me to do.

So every time I am to make a decision, the fact itself that I am making one reminds me I still don’t know.

What is the purpose?

I don’t want to make decisions, I want them to come. Which means I should let them come. How? Does it mean I should let go something? What? What is it that stops me from knowing? Or stops me from seeing?

Past half year was time for letting go a lot of things, a lot of doubts. I feel I am getting there. But to get there, I need to keep asking questions, which is what I do. Here I am at 6 am, awake and thinking.

"The reason you do something is because you can't not do it." What is it that I cant not do? ...But you don’t know until you know right?..."your role is to be keenly aware, patiently expectant, and open to all possibilities"...